Life post-surgery is fantastic. Truly. I've said this to many people recently and it's oh-so-cliche, but I really don't think I realized how terrible I had been feeling for the past several years. I can't believe how much things have changed: my concentration and focus are better (who knew that daily headaches were such a bitch?!), my mood is better, and perhaps most notably, I feel like I have a new body. I can (and have been!) doing things that I haven't been able to do comfortably or enjoyably in nearly a decade. More on that below...
I'm back in my grad program full time and am completely exhausted, working almost literally nonstop, and am back to the life of having a to-do list that is never actually complete... and I couldn't be happier. I adore my program, I adore all of the people in it, and I'm downright obsessed with the work I get to do every day. While I was around campus quite a bit after my surgery, it was tough not being in classes with my cohort and not being as actively engaged as I so wanted to be. Jumping back in has had its challenges (i.e., readjusting to this crazy schedule after nearly 9 months of going to bed and waking up when I wanted to and really not having a schedule or deadlines), but at the core, I'm ecstatic to be back... and I know how lucky I am to have been able to step back into it all so seamlessly. And exhaustion aside, shit is getting done. I successfully proposed my master's thesis a few weeks ago which is a huge milestone and one that I was really concerned about before and during leave. So you know... yay.
Life has been medically unremarkable since my last post in July which, as you can deduce from the previous ~30 posts in this goofy little blog, is a very big and welcome change. Aside from a check-up regarding the rebellion happening in my sinuses, I haven't had any doctor's appointments in damn near three months. (I'm pretty sure that's a record. Bam.) In terms of symptoms, I really am just feeling freaking awesome. The randomly-losing-vison (ocular/painless migraines triggered by the surgery) hasn't happened in close to two months, so that's fabulous. My "surgery hair" is growing back SUPER fast and is now long enough that I don't have to get creative with bobby pins to keep everything in place when I put my hair up (and don't have to inadvertently stab myself in the scar with said bobby pins). I'm looking forward to more growth in the next handful of months so that I can get back some of the "thickness" of my already hella thin hair. Scar-wise, I'm told that it's healed incredibly well and basically just looks like a little pink and white line at this point... though I can't ever really see it, given that it runs straight down the back of my head. I can feel that it's healed really flat though, which is awesome. The inch or so at the very bottom (the incision was about 5 inches total) that could potentially be visible when my hair is up is apparently light enough that it's really not noticeable unless I point it out. While that's super awesome, I'll admit that I do find myself kind of wishing that it was more visible... I wouldn't mind an obvious battle scar. :) That said, I still use my skull hole as a party trick, and now have the addition of having located the titanium screws in my skull as well as (I think!) the top of the plastic mesh covering they put over said skull hole. Gross nasty awesome.
The more my bwain (yes, that was intentional) heals, the more I notice little residual symptoms here and there. My balance, overall, is fine and I'm not having any major issues. That said, I definitely notice little balance issues here and there, which are largely funny instead of distressing. For example, my balance is definitely worse when I'm tired... I walk into at least some portion of a wall and/or have to catch/check myself damn near every morning when I get out of bed. Likewise, I find that I have a hard time turning my head quickly while walking (like to look at someone talking or the birds lined up on the side of a building threatening to shit on me)... I get very slightly dizzy and have to consciously steady myself when I do that. Shockingly, I don't spend a ton of time these days on balance beams, so I was more than a bit surprised to discover how awful my balance was while I was playing on train tracks with my cohort a couple weeks ago. (Yes. We are brilliant. And it was fun.) Everyone else hopped up on the tracks for a photo and stood there confidently while I continually fell off, jumped back on, fell off again, grabbed onto Emilie's arm, tried facing forward, fell off, tried facing the side, fell off.... It was ridiculous.
I shall give you one guess to figure out which one is me.
Despite goofy little issues like not being able to pose appropriately on a train track, my body is able to shocking me with all that it can do. I live in this insanely beautiful state right now that has ridiculous outdoor recreational resources, and until this past summer, I really hadn't gotten to explore them at all. I always thought that I was just perpetually lame and out of shape and that explained why I didn't seem to be able to handle strenuous physical activity... I can't tell you how uplifting it was to learn that my body couldn't do so much of what I was asking of it... and now it can! Growing up in Michigan, I became obsessed with all things related to water and swimming at an early age. Between a busier schedule and increased self-consciousness, my water-time had all but disappeared over the last several years. I started swimming laps at a gorgeous local Olympic-sized pool with two friends this summer and it has been absolutely fantastic. It's a great workout and it's instant relaxation for me. Throughout the summer, we were pretty successful at making it an almost-weekly occurrence and I loved every second of it. My lung capacity is still relatively sad, but I saw huge improvements over the summer and was thrilled when I was able to do 10-15 laps in a single session.
Perhaps even more exciting has been my launch into the world of Utah hiking. My dad and brother came to town for a week or so in August and, as I should have expected, 98% of the visit was spent either hiking or drinking craft beer (I don't think the two ever happened concurrently which surprises me). While they were here, we did the following...
The 7-Month Brainiversary Hike
(August 12 = exactly 7 months after brain surgery and about 13 months after heart surgery!)
I keel you.
This was a 4.2 mile hike in Big Cottonwood Canyon that included about 1100 feet of elevation gain. There were moments that I was pretty sure I was going to die, but the vast majority of the time was spent feeling downright giddy, energized, and able. It was exhausting, but I did the whole thing! I could not have done this before either heart or brain surgery. My muscles were weak, my fatigue was intense, and my heart was doing a shitty-ass job at doing that whole pumping-blood-through-the-body thing. This hike was freaking triumphant.
City Creek Canyon
This was a brief "rest day" hike after the uber day above. It's only about 2 1/2 miles round trip, but we did this at like 4 o'clock in the afternoon when it was about 96 degrees. Needless to say, I didn't get all the way to the top and was pretty damn pissed. I knew I needed to chill out and not push myself (as my brother said that afternoon, "No harm in being too ambitious"), but I just really, really wanted to get to the top with my dad and brother. Alas, they scrambled up a gigantic hill and saw the view as I ambled my way back down to the car. I promised my dad that I'd complete that hike within the next month.
Bonneville Salt Flats
No real "hiking" here, but you can easily walk a mile or more without even knowing it as you're exploring this area. We did just that, and again, it was damn near 100 degrees that afternoon.
Antelope Island
Dooly Knob Trail
This was a ~3 mile hike on shadeless, desolate, f-ing amazing Antelope Island. We made it to the top...
...got this remarkable view (and two very happy dudes and a happy BFF)...
...documented the occasion with an adorable family photo (dad & bro are two of my favorite people in the entire world)...
...stalked a bison...
...and then I finally put my feet in the Great Salt Lake. It was a good day.
I kept saying that I'd keep up the hiking and activity even after my dad and brother left and have been able to do that (though not as much as I'd hoped)...
City Creek Canyon, Take 2
On Labor Day, we took advantage of a relatively cool early morning, and decided to revisit and conquer the hike I couldn't complete with my dad and brother. Success, bitches! The view from the top was incredible, but getting there was challenging... my dad described the "notch" you had to climb up to get the best views. Friends, that was not a notch... it was ri-goddamn-diculous pseudo-mountain. And it was awesome.
The Wasatch Range. My favorite.
Em and I overlooking the Salt Lake Valley.
The Color Run 5K
About a week later, I was somehow convinced to get up at 6:30am on a Saturday and pay $40 to exercise. I walked (not to the point of being able to run that distance... or really any distance at all), but it still felt like a huge accomplishment. And it was stupid fun to boot...
Before...
After! :)
On Sunday, Em and I are heading to Moab for a few days. I've been dying to get down there since I moved to Utah, but am even more excited now, knowing that I'll actually be able to handle several days of hiking and will really get to explore the area. I truly can't express how amazing it feels to have a body that works and that I'm not worrying about and/or distrusting constantly.
So if it's not entirely clear at this point, life post-brain tumor is really quite excellent. I know I'm still processing the experience in a lot of ways and there is indeed a weird and sometimes frustrating disconnect of life before brain surgery and life after. The further you get from the surgery itself and the more and more recovered you become, the more "historical" it becomes. That's been strange for me. I still find myself wanting to talk about it all the time -- whether it's replaying details that I remember, talking about the before and after, or wondering out loud about what happened while I was floating in anesthesia limbo, it's just on my mind and in my heart constantly. The woman who writes of my favorite brain tumor blogs I found during the last year recently wrote an entry about one of her two surgeries and said, "...believe it or not I will never get tired of writing, talking or thinking about the experience." I'm pretty sure this is going to be the case for me, too. Point being, humor me if I launch into Trent-talk and/or feel free to ask questions if you still have any. I'll probably be ecstatic if you do. :)
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