Michigan vs. Utah

I've always had issues with being ridiculously indecisive -- major decisions, painfully minor decisions, I over-think everything and often go back and forth a lot before finally sticking with something.

When I found out the Monday of Thanksgiving week that brain surgery was necessary, I immediately explained to all who asked (in my ever-stubborn way) that I would be staying in Utah for the surgery. Over the next couple weeks, staying in Salt Lake seemed like more and more of an impossibility -- it was going to be challenging for my family to come out west for any extended period of time, I have very limited space in my apartment that wouldn't necessarily be conducive to a comfortable recovery, and there were simply just so many more people who would be available to help with the recovery process back in Michigan. My surgeon in Utah happened to know a fellow neurosurgeon at University of Michigan who he felt could successfully do my surgery, and with that information, I went ahead with the formal referral process and ultimately decided to go back to Michigan. I was resistant, reluctant, and pretty unhappy about the idea of leaving Salt Lake at first, but increasingly felt as though I really didn't have a choice, so it was just going to be a matter now of making it work and making it okay.

I already had flights booked to go home for Christmas, so I left Utah on December 20th as planned -- and I was packed for a possible 3-month stay in Michigan. Leaving Utah was awful. Saying goodbye to everyone was awful. I felt horrible about the whole situation, but didn't give much extra thought to that, figuring that temporarily uprooting my life to go back across the country and have brain surgery was bound to make me feel like shit. When I got back to Michigan, it was (of course) wonderful to see my family and I was beyond thrilled to see my kiddos (for those of you aware with my slight obsession with my nieces and nephew -- and really, who isn't aware of that?! -- please be shocked by the fact that Gabriel is nearly 10 months old, Lourdes is 4 1/2, and Isabella just turned freakin' 12). That said, the thought of being there long-term and of going through this major event there just didn't feel right. Despite that, I called upon my talents of suppression and attempted to just "make it okay."

Needless to say, the first week I was in Michigan was miserable -- there was a lot of snappiness, a lot of exhaustion, a lot of tears, and the overwhelming, totally pervasive thought of just wanting to go home. Suppression, suppression, suppression: I just tried to keep telling myself that this was an immensely shitty situation and it was going to suck, but I'd get through it and be back in Utah as soon as possible. Despite the effort, that sense of "wrongness" wasn't budging at all.

Eventually, the discussion of actually going back to Utah was started -- I hadn't even thought of it as a possibility, but over the course of two days it went from a very stressful option to the new plan. I (luckily!) was having significant issues canceling my original return flight from Grand Rapids to Salt Lake (just the permanence of "not going back"), so I still had a ticket to go back to Utah on January 4th. Within an incredibly short amount of time, my insanely supportive family had it all figured out -- who would come when, how we would manage my recovery, what we would do if something went wrong, and so on.

And so here I am, sprawled out on my best friend's couch in Salt Lake City watching The Parent Trap (Ph.D. student what?). There were a LOT of elements that ultimately went into my decision to come back to Utah -- first and foremost was the intense frustration of waiting to hear from U of M. My surgeon into Utah had been in touch with the U of M surgeon and officially referred me to them on December 5th. As of December 27th, I still hadn't heard anything, and my calls to U of M's neurosurgery department consistently ended in me being told that I was "on the list" or they'd "get to" me. Not cool after being told that I needed this surgery asap as of November 21st. I called once more on the 27th and was finally told (awkwardly!) that both the surgeon and his assistant were on vacation until the 4th. Knowing that I still needed the hella long introductory appointment/physical before they'd schedule me for surgery, my fear was that I was still at least a month out from the surgery happening there. Sitting in Michigan waiting for the phone to ring was miserable, particularly when I had a surgeon in Utah who I knew, liked, felt comfortable with, and could schedule with so quickly. Once the idea of coming back to Utah became an actual possibility, I called my surgeon in Salt Lake to see if he'd even be willing/able to "take me back" -- his nurse returned my call within a few hours, asked me a bunch of "hey how are ya" questions that were based on information she knew about me, my family, and Michigan (brownie points), and then said that they absolutely could transfer me back to their care. My surgeon wasn't available right then to chat about dates, but she said she'd call me back. Less than 24 hours later, I was scheduled for January 12th. It seems to make so much more sense to me to do this in Utah when I'll be with the surgeon who originally found the stupid-ass tumor and who I've been working with since March, who I know well, have had a good 7ish appointments with already, whose surgery plan I know and am comfortable with, and so on. I got a bit caught up in the rankings for awhile (U of M is one of the top neurosurgery departments in the country), but ultimately, the folks at the U are clearly skilled and clearly competent and I'm comfortable with them, and I think that's what has to matter most right now. Being the neurotic individual that I am (an "anxious little bunny" as we say in my graduate program), my comfort level with the hospital and the staff is a big, big deal. I need to feel like I have some sort of relationship with these people, and if U of M is going to sit on my referral for over a month, then clearly they're just too big of an institution for the kind of care that I want.

Beyond the medical reasons, I also decided to come back to Salt Lake because, quite simply, this is home now. My life is here. I have an apartment and a car and my school and my office with the awesome view. I have, hands down, the most supportive and wonderful group of friends I've ever had. That's not (of course!) to say that I wouldn't have had a lot of support in Michigan, but it's just different here. My adult life is out here, versus my childhood in Michigan. It's just not who I am anymore and it's not where I want to be. There were perks of being in Michigan, of course -- notably the 11 immediate family members within about a 10 mile radius, the multiple close houses that I could jump around to, my parents and siblings and the kids. Ultimately though, it just wasn't right. If I'm going to go through something this significant, I need to be home, and Utah is home now. I need to be in my own space, I need to be where I'm being trained in my career (because yes, I will be working this semester!), I need to be where my cohort is, I need to be where my best friend is, I need to be where my therapist is, I need to be where the mountains are, I just need to be here.

Despite that, being in Utah is still going to be challenging in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that could go wrong with this surgery and a lot of potential complications (permanent and temporary alike). One of the main things I'm preparing myself for is to not get caught up in what ifs... specifically, however things end up, not sitting around and wondering if things would be different if I had done the surgery in Michigan. In all honesty, I think I'm less likely to do this in Utah than I would have been in Michigan. I was pissed off the entire time I thought I was staying in Michigan and I can't imagine that I would have been able to recover effectively with that kind of attitude. Particularly if something had gone wrong, I can definitely see myself sitting around there, bitter as hell, wishing that I had gone back to Utah. I don't see it going the other way so much, but I also know that it's going to be an "easy" way to ruminate and I'm going to have to be really conscious of that. Being in Utah also makes this process a lot more challenging for my family -- rather than everyone being nearby, it means not having my siblings around for any of this and it means that my parents have to use a lot of sick time to be away from work for long periods of time, pay to fly out here, and then hang out in my itty bitty apartment while I recover. I luckily have pretty damn awesome parents who are willing to make those sacrifices in order for me to do the surgery here, but it's going to be hard.

The other primary challenge is going to be being so close to campus and to my cohort, yet being disconnected from them (inevitably, to an extent) for a period of time. The problem with having an incredible amount of support from your 6-person graduate school cohort is that, first, there aren't a ton of people and thus the "caretaking" element has the potential to get exhausting for them quickly, and second, they are the most hellishly busy individuals I know. While of course I'm going to wish that I was with them all the time, wish that I was on campus, wish that I was in classes with them, that's just not going to be possible. It's going to be hard (it already has been, even being back for a couple days and knowing that I won't be joining them in classes this week), but again, I think the benefits of being close are ultimately going to be better than sitting in Michigan feeling thoroughly disconnected. We'll see. This is probably my biggest concern about being in Utah at this point. I'm a pretty damn demanding individual and I expect a lot from people -- it's going to have to be a really active understanding for me that they will do what they can, when they can, but there are undoubtedly going to be some bouts of loneliness and feelings of disconnection on my part.

Choosing to come back here, though I know it's what's best for me, definitely makes me feel selfish in a lot of ways. A lot of people are going to be impacted by this, a lot of people are making sacrifices because of this, a lot of people have pressure on them to be available in ways that they wouldn't necessarily choose. I know that I have to trust that people will do what they can and want to and I have to not spend a ton of time being concerned about "invading" people's lives -- but it's hard. I'm not particularly good at asking for help (so many of the folks closest to me who are reading this, I know your eyes just got enormous as you said, "Yeah, no shit" to your computer screen. Suck it!), so entering into a situation where I'm going to need so much support...? Difficult is a vast understatement.

All of that said, I'm entirely confident with my decision. I'm not a particularly religious person at all so sometimes I have difficulty defining this feeling, but especially in the last handful of years, my life has been full of incredible serendipity -- I went from an unhappy, unsure, and aimless 18-year-old to an extremely goal-directed, increasingly confident (still working on that...) almost-26-year-old who, despite continued challenges in many ways, is happy with how life is going. I did my first year of college at DePaul and was so f-ing pissed off when they cut their special education program and I (oh so grudgingly) decided to transfer to GVSU. I did not want to be at GVSU at first and then, thanks to some of the most incredible professors on the planet (hi guys!) and some of the most growth-inducing opportunities ever, it ended up being three and a half of the most fun, satisfying, amazing years of my life. Without being exactly there, with the exact mentorship I had, I can't imagine that I ever would have had the guts to apply to a PhD program. When I finally did apply, it was to 11 schools in random locations -- one of the most random being Utah. For a variety of reasons, I had no expectation of getting in anywhere and was thoroughly blown away to be 1 of 6 chosen out of 150 applicants to come to what, during the interview process, because my top choice school and my top choice advisor. I moved here, terrified, and the last year and a half of my life has been absofuckinglutely incredible. After several years of trying to figure out all of my medical stuff in Michigan to no avail, I came to Utah and had two explanatory diagnoses within 3 months of each other. I've been able to make big medical decisions here, get my heart fixed here, and on and on.... so why on earth would I go somewhere else for this surgery? I'm in this program, in this city, with these people, and on this path because it's where I should be. I've been brought here in a profoundly serendipitous way and I just need to trust that what happens from here is going to take me to a million more places and to a million more relationships that are "meant to be." Everything I know about myself and where I'm going at this point in my life is telling me that Utah is home and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.